"The palest ink is better than the best memory" ~Chinese Proverb

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bad Habits

If all goes according to plan, my mate will be home this weekend and I plan to kiss the shit out of his face. My fingers are crossed that it actually happens though, because Uncle Sam has been kind of a dick to us lately. He won't let Mitch defer his required 30 day home leave until next summer when the kids are out of school, so we have two options. The kids and I can go to Brussels while he does home leave, or they will miss a month of school and we will all do home leave together. I refuse to tell my kids they won't see their dad for another month AFTER HE SERVED FOR OVER A YEAR IN A WAR ZONE FOR HIS COUNTRY. So they will miss a month of education but they will do it on American soil, dammit! We will be pinning all our hopes on Jack to support his siblings when they drop out of school because they fell behind. Pardon my French. I've been practicing on Duolingo for Pottymouths.

I'm a little nervous about Mitch coming home and discovering all the bad habits I've developed in his absence. I've whittled down my Brazilian heels by about 30%, so maybe he won't even notice? Plus, I've been hiding a bunch of shoes in "empty" boxes. Shhhhh.


When I am alone I don't sleep very well, so I've developed the habit of playing Candy Crush Saga in the middle of the night on my iPad. I'm horrified/embarrassed/ashamed that I am now on Level 488 and have plans to make it to 500 before he gets home.


I've always had a rule that everyone sits down to the table for dinner together every night, with the exception of Friday Family Movie and Pizza night. See how rigid I was? Anyway, I'm afraid dinner has devolved to pancakes and Netflix more often than not with just me and the three little ones left.

Grooming. If I'm not leaving the house, I don't even wear eyebrows anymore. Let alone comb my hair or get out of my pjs. I still bathe and brush my teeth; I'm not Olivia an animal or anything. 

Eating in bed. Every morning I practically have to carry all my dirty dishes downstairs in a laundry basket.

Sleeping on his side/in the middle of the bed. Because I can.

Sleeping with my iPad, laptop, two phones, the dog, and a Kindle. I have no idea why I'm too distracted to sleep well.

Watching entire seasons of TV shows in one day. House of Cards, Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, whatever. I won't stop until the final credits roll because who's there to judge me?

Alcohol. This one will surprise you guys. I quit! I know, I know, not drinking is not a bad habit per se, but I think I would be nicer if I drank a glass of wine now and then. I am trying to treat my body as a temple and only consume whole, healthy foods and drinks. I also want to be a fully present mother for my children. Haha! Kidding! I kill myself. Booze just doesn't go well with my pills vitamins.

Obsessively scanning the news. I'm hoping this resolves itself once Mitch is back in friendly territory.

Ignoring the mail. On his last R&R, Mitch started opening mail from the pile and found a bunch of medical reimbursement checks. He didn't think my excuse that the "mail looked boring" was very good.

Spitting my toothpaste out in the sink and not rinsing it out. This is one Mitch absolutely hates. I don't really like it either, but I do it because I CAN, bitches.

Speeding tickets. I have so, so many. I blame the pills vitamins.Wait, no. I blame Obamacare. Benghazi? Either way, I'm going to have to figure out how to pay them or they won't let me leave Brazil. 

Wow. That is a really long list. Maybe I'll just wear a really low-cut top and he won't notice all the bad habits. 






Friday, August 22, 2014

And Then There Were Four of Us

My firstborn left us for college last weekend. It was hard on me, but Olivia totally stole my thunder and cried her eyes out at the airport.


Why don't they tell you about the part where your kid leaves you during sex-ed class? 

The next day, Olivia and Seamus cried for hours on Jack's bed while Henry and Grace buzzed about the room grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down .

I barely heard from Jack the first few days. My amazing friend Katie took him shopping at Target, so I was able to get a little information from her. Finally, though, he needed a favor. He wanted me to check something on his old laptop. I held the information hostage until he chatted with me AND sent me a picture of his dorm. If that's the way it has to be, I can play along. I'm holding the purse strings, after all. He wasn't able to pick up the linen package we ordered him for several days after he moved in, so according to Mitch he slept on balled up sweatshirts and dried himself off with a shirt. He told ME he already had his linens so I wouldn't pester him and fret.


These are the kind of conversations we've been having.

Since he refuses to tell me any details because he's a grown-ass man, I've had to resort to stalking his debit card, which is linked to our account. So far I know he's eaten at Subway and a couple of burrito places. He bought a lightbulb at the University Bookstore. What? Everybody stalks their kids via their bank accounts, don't they?

On Monday morning, I got a call from the middle school. Olivia had a terrible stomachache and needed to be picked up. I left work, but when I got to the school she seemed fine. This is when she confessed that it wasn't her stomach that hurt, but her heart. We went home, got in our pjs and watched 80s movies together for the rest of the day. We will get there, but I don't like all this extra room in my nest.






Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Typical Conversation

I've been in the market for a big leather bag that can double as a camera bag and also fit my iPad and pills vitamins. Mitch and I have an agreement that for expensive items, we talk about it with each other first.

Can I buy something?

No
Damn
How about now?

I'm manic, not drunk
I love it when you're drunk and in love with me.

Give me a few hours
It's why I have two pairs of Frye loafers

Two?

Since when?
Shhh.
We'll talk about it in a few hours

Monday, July 28, 2014

Brussels!

We finally have an official handshake. We're going to Brussels. I'm sure I would be a lot more excited about it if we hadn't been jerked around so much. With no official orders we have missed our window to go home and be with family and friends. I'm still a little grumpy, but I will get over it, because Brussels! Cheese, husband, chocolate, waffles, beer! INTERNET, BITCHES! Not necessarily in that order. No dates yet, because paperwork. But soon. Now I gotta go click send on my boot order at Zappos.

So get your passports in order, because we expect visitors this time.




See how close we are to everything? This is going to be an expensive tour.




Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Eighteen

Well, my precious tiny infant 7lb 4oz son is a man today. Pretty soon he will learn how to make a sandwich and do his own laundry. I kid. Sort of.


We will be going out for sushi tonight at the only sushi place I haven't gotten sick from here in Brazil. Another milestone without Mitch, but the end is sort of in sight, so that's something. No, we still don't have a handshake, but I do have a new prescription. Optimism in a bottle, yo.

It's cute how we drive in to work together every day. He's getting over the horror of seeing me in the chancery halls. He even said, "Hi mom!" to me the other day, but don't worry, I responded with, "Jack! Shhhh. Don't call me mom at work, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME."

It's hard to believe he will be getting on a plane next month for college. I wanted to write about how he and his friends got duped at a nightclub a few weeks ago, but I don't want to embarrass him by highlighting his lack of street smarts. Instead, I will embarrass him by saying that his IB scores just came back and he will be able to skip almost a year of college now. I didn't even know that was a thing, you guys. That's a shitload of money!  I'm not going to run out and buy shoes, though, because I've been cleaning out my closet and I keep finding shoes I forgot about. Just kidding, I have some Frye loafers waiting for me in the mail room right now.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Yellow and Green

By now, if you have been following the World Cup at all, you will have noticed that Brazil got trounced by the German national team earlier this week. The morning of the game, every street corner was a riot of yellow, with vendors selling the Brazilian jersey like it was going out of style. I'm not exaggerating when I say about 90% of all cars sported Brazilian flags flying behind them and many had giant flags covering their hoods. Yellow and green every where you looked. And not just on game days, either. During this entire World Cup, the yellow jersey was everywhere. People waiting for the bus, in line at the grocery store, the servers in restaurants. Busness dress at the embassy became 'yellow casual'.  

Watching as Brazil sunk lower and lower during the match, I was amazed to see the Yellow Shirts actually rooting for the Germans. The next day, and every day since, I have seen no yellow shirts. No car flags. Nothing. The city is quiet and feels thick with something I can't quite put my finger on, but it is ungood. 

Just an ousider's observations from the inside.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Monday. It Comes After Sunday.

Nothing to report, except last week I got hit by a car again. This time the car rear-ended my car at a red light going fast enough that his car was totaled. My giant SUV had a tiny wrinkle on the bumper and no one was hurt. I also sort of broke two fingers being generally clumsy, but they are healing fast. The doctor I saw about the fingers suggested I not leave the house anymore. I concurred, of course.

I am loving the World Cup. I thought I would hate it, but when Brazil is playing the city vibrates. We live in fairly rural area, but when Brazil scores, the roar of cheering and fireworks is deafening, Even when I'm walking the dog on a country road. And how about the USA team still being in it? WOOT!


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

This is the Post in Which I Don't Complainnotreally

GUESS WHAT, YOU GUYS?!!!!!

Nothing is new! I'm not going to waste this precious corner of the internet complaining about how my husband VOLUNTEERED to go to a war zone and common sense would dictate that we would be rewarded for our sacrifice by getting posted somewhere. Anywhere? I'm also not going to complain about how, since we don't have orders, I can't even take my firstborn child to college or go visit my family and friends. Because nobody likes a complainer, y'all. 

Instead, I'm going to to write a few words about what's going on in good ole' Brazil these days:

soccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccersoccer
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I. Just. Can't. Even.



Sunday, June 15, 2014

Hi!

Hey! We got our assignment! JustkiddingIhateeverything. The kids have settled into summer break pretty well, despite the fact that they are calling it "Mom's Summer of Pain" since we have no cleaner. In fact, in the past few weeks, Jack yelled at me for opening a new box of cereal when already had several opened in the pantry, and also for leaving said box out on the counter. He also got upset when Grace tracked dirt all over his freshly mopped kitchen floor.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tomorrow is the first day of summer camp at the embassy. Jack is working as lead counselor and the girls are attending. Henry has nothing to do because no one gives a rat's ass about middle schoolers. Jack actually has a real job that starts in a few weeks. Full time employment! I don't think I could even be out of my bed for that many hours, but he's looking forward to his first Big Boy Job. He will be working in the financial management section at the embassy, which could not be more perfect for him.


Oh, and maybe you've heard that there's some kind of soccer event going on right now in Brazil. The entire city shuts down during the games. No one is on the roads. I've never seen anything like it. I wrote about it  for work, but mostly I just wrote about my lack of knowledge about the whole thing. We've also been busy preparing for another visit by the VPOTUS. You know you are in the Foreign Service when you tell you kids what is going on next week and they're all, "We have to go see Joe Biden AGAIN?"